The downside of adventuring

Whenever we decide to do something, if we're smart, or overly cautious, we weigh the pros and cons. The ups and downs. The risks and rewards. Then we make the best decision we can make for ourselves with the information we have at that time.  There were not that many things in my "Con" list when I was debating coming out to CA, but leaving my family behind topped the list. As most people know, I'm lucky enough to be very close to my family- especially my parents.  One of the (only) pluses of not having a job was that I was living at home with my parents and could try to make their lives easier. Although not being able to drive, I'm not sure how much help I every actually was to them. I think emotional support was probably the only thing I was any good at, and until recently they didn't seem to need that much support from me.

When my grandmother got sick with cancer, everyone chipped in to help everyone else as best they could.  When I was offered the chance to come out to Ocotillo, the idea of leaving my parents to handle things without me and leaving my grandparents without knowing exactly how things would go for the next three months, was one of the biggest things to slow down my saying yes. But the doctors were so sure that some radiation treatments would help.  The right nutrition, plenty or rest, and when I came home my grandmother would be doing better than when I left. But that is not what happened. The change was fast, and I don't think any of the doctors saw it coming.  But it did, and today my mom not only lost her mother but had the hard task of calling and telling me. Because of how far away from the airport I live and my roommate/supervisor being out of town this week and into next for a conference I will not be able to fly home to support my family and attend the funeral. I will be here, keeping the museum open and pretending that everything is ok.

This is not the first time I've been on my own to hear news like this, and usually it comes to me over the phone. I've almost learned to associate phones and loss, and recognize the fact that it will be a small miracle if I can every actually be present when my loved ones need me to be there for them. Or to say goodbye. I don't know if that says something awful about me or just brings home the point that as we- friends and family- spread out in life and begin to have our own adventures, sometimes the only way we will be 'there' for someone is in our thoughts. On the phone. Email. Facebook. Maybe the frenzied popularity of social media is our reaction to how far away from our core of loved ones we become when we follow our own road.  There are loved ones we can always count on to say the right thing, to drop everything and come to us when we need them. I have always thought of myself as one of those people. But this week I have been reminded that while my family is full of people who would drop what they are doing to help in any way possible, they are also the kind of people who want, and expect, us all to do what we need to do. Even if that means not coming home.